_________________________________________________________
Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Hello again.
Current mood: It’s time to bring the funny

It's been quite awhile since I've written a daily blog. I caught up on Monday with a bunch of posts from the past number of months I was touring couches as I like to call it.

I am in my own place again, back in the swing of things and raring to go. I have some new stories, okay, lots of new stories to come.

I've been hitting the dating scene again, as always with my dating life, many funny/sad/strange things have happened. I will be posting the results of my dates in the coming week. Since I am back on the market, there will be many new disasters, I mean updates about my dates.

I will also be updating with my dating failures, the crash and burns that come with my attempts at meeting certain women. Trust me, some are great, great and humorlessly depressing.

Much has happened, prepare for some great stuff in the coming weeks.

That's it!
Anthony Dominguez
comedian.writer.lover...

Currently listening :
The Paramour Sessions
By Papa Roach
Release date: 2007-06-19

_________________________________________________________
Monday, June 23, 2008

3-18-08
Category: Romance and Relationships

Well, well, well, lot's has happened over the past few months. I have to move again, I've been extremely depressed, I've been lonely, life had lost its luster…the usual cycle of my life. Today a ray of light shone through, from the unlikeliest of places.

'Tha gurl' contacted me last night, at first my heart skipped a beat, I started to sweat, my hands began shaking, my stomach became knots, all reactions I was wholly unprepared for. These are the signs I get when I'm in love, when someone I've just met hits me deep or when I realize my true feelings for the one I'm with. Not the reaction I would expect to have over my ex, who I have not spoken to for quite sometime. I debated responding back, and decided to go for it, the impact of this little action has been huge! HUGE!
I feel as if a chapter of my life has been completed, finally, the last page has been written and finalized by the editor; the next chapter is well on its way. I'm happy to say she is getting married in July, to the man she began dating after our relationship ended, he was a good guy, I always liked him and despite never expressing this opinion openly, felt he was a great person for her to date, and ultimately marry. I was surprised by my happiness for her and the way her life is going, with that genuine happiness came some much-needed clarity in my own life. It cleared a path in my bitterness and allowed me to view the world through 'old eyes' again. One thing 'tha gurl' always provided in my life was clarity, she gave amazing advice and support, I miss that aspect of our relationship.

That's it!
Anthony Dominguez
comedian.writer.lover…

Currently listening :
Kick Push
By Lupe Fiasco
Release date: 2006-06-26

_________________________________________________________
Monday, June 23, 2008

How to kill me.
Current mood: blow me to death
Category: blow me to death Life

I though I was to alergic to Vodka turns out it's just Red Bull, actually all energy drinks. I can't tell you how depressed I was when I thought I could never partake of my beloved Vodka. it was a terrible loss, a small death if you will. Alergic t oVodka, depressing. It was like finding my lost love when I took that drink and there was no alergic reaction. Mmmm, heaven.

I am alergic to Bee Pollen, I have a bit of a reaction. Like it causes me death. I could die from a pollen handjob. My biggest fear is to get a blowjob by a gurl wearing burts bees lip balm.

That's it!
Anthony Dominguez
comedian.writer.lover...

Currently listening :
Juno
Release date: 2008-01-08

_________________________________________________________
Monday, June 23, 2008

Dating advice
Current mood: hotter, way hotter
Category: hotter, way hotter Romance and Relationships

The 3 most liberating words a man can speak. 'I've F23Ked hotter'.

If a woman tells you she knows every bartender in 2 separate cities AND drinks 4 free in both, she's not drinking free because of her sparkling personality, that is payment for services rendered.

If you meet a woman who knows every bouncer in hollywood and can get into any club free, what's she's telling you is that she's blown half the bouncers in hollywood. It doesn't mean we can't kick it, it just means I won't be kissing her.

You are dumb, sooo DUMB. I'm talking off the breeding list dumb.

That's it!
Anthony Anderson
comedian.writer.lover...

Currently listening :
Impeach My Bush
By Peaches
Release date: 2006-07-11

_________________________________________________________
Monday, June 23, 2008

Low Rise Jeans
Current mood: Just stop it already.
Category: Just stop it already. Fashion, Style, Shopping

Mens low rise jeans should come with a thong! Just package them together, have it hanging right on the rack with the jeans, you buy low rise jeans, you get a thong! Just put it out there, enough with the androgenous stylings, effeminte men are attractive to other men, or women who want to be men. Are low rise jeans for men really necessary? DO women really wanna see our package that badly? When did plumbers crack become hot? Tell me!

That's IT!
Anthony Dominguez
comedian.writer.lover...

Currently listening :
Best of Elmo's World DVD Collection
Release date: 2006-08-01

_________________________________________________________
Monday, June 23, 2008

Chinatown and Murakami
Current mood: i’ve been late, lately.
Category: i’ve been late, lately. Life

SeveraI months ago I took my little sisters to the Murakami exhibit at the MOCA, all I can say is "WOW!" Murakami is amazing, if your wondering who he is, he's the artist who did Kanye West's newest album cover. His artwoork is featured everywhere, worldwide,if you missed this exhibit, I feel bad for you, when it comes back, go see it. My sisters, who by the way are very hard to entertain (I was probably as hard to entertain when I was their age as well) seemed to really enjoy some of the exhibit. The coolest part was how you could call a number, and listen for free as Murakami himself guided you through the exhibit, with little anecdotes and details only the artist could convey.

After the exhibit, I met up with 'wifey' (Alfie Numeric my myspace wife, if your confused, refer to previous blogs) and her art rep Jonathon (who is a wildman!) to see several of her friends spinning and performing. We met a bunch of people (Alfie knows just about everyone in Los Angeles, hell, on the west coast) all of whom where all good people with good vibes. I gotta say, I was impressed and a little jealous of 'wifey', her circle of friends and influence/peers put off great energy. I need to be around more people on the grind. We hit up Lost Souls Cafe, partied like we where in highschool. Really, it was like a highschool dance, the middle was open, and everybody was lined up against the walls. We were laughing and reminiscing about the music, some of it was from our elementary school era and some from our high school, I won't say who was talking about how great a song was in high school, or how the rest of us looked at each other, since we remember the same song from elementary school.

Currently listening :
Graduation
By Kanye West
Release date: 2007-09-11

_________________________________________________________
Monday, June 23, 2008

Words to live by.
Current mood: kill shit you love
Category: kill shit you love Movies, TV, Celebrities

Women kill their kids,their boyfriends, their husbands...shit they love.

This is the best line from a movie I've ever heard! It's from the remake of Death Wish with Jodi Foster.

That's it!
Anthony Dominguez
comedian.writer.lover...

Currently listening :
Collaborations
By Jill Scott
Release date: 2007-01-30

_________________________________________________________
Monday, June 23, 2008

News you may have missed.
Current mood: I got the cure for Halitosis!
Category: I got the cure for Halitosis! News and Politics

Did everyone see this a few months ago? At the BET Hip Hop Awards T.I. (if your not familiar, a hugely successful/popular rapper) won the award for best Hip Hop album, only he wasn't there to accept, because, and I can't make this up,he was in Federal lock up. Yes, you read that right, Federal lock up, which means he did some real gangster sh!t! What gangster sh!t did he do you may ask? He was caught by the FBI purchasing crates, C R A T E S! of machinge guns and silencers, cause as any Grammy Award winning artist will tell you, when you come accross a good deal on machine guns and silencers, buy in bulk.

Then there is my favorite story of the month, a dentist back east (I am accumulating an entire act based on f23ked up things dentist's do to patients)was accused of fondling 24 patients breasts while under anestesia. Despicable right? Wait for the good part, He doesn't deny the allegations, his defense not only admits to this, he is trying to defend his actions by saying Breast Fondling is an accepted treatment for certain dental ailments. Yes, this brilliant Dental Genius has found some obscure reference in a medical journal and based his whole defense around being a humanitarian, a giver if you will, he also stated oral sex is a common treatment for Halitosis. God bless this angel of enamel for opening the door to alternitive dental practices in the west. We have been living in the dark ages for so long not utilizing our bodies natural healing abilities through sexual stimulation!

That's IT!
Anthony Dominguez
comedian.writer.lover...

Currently listening :
Street Smart
Release date: 2007-11-06

_________________________________________________________
Monday, June 23, 2008

This one is a little late.
Current mood: Viva la Couch!
Category: Viva la Couch! Life

It's Monday April 9th 2008. I am sad to say, the couch tour 08' has officially ended, if you were one of the stops on the extended leg of the tour your dates have been cancelled. There will be no refunds Or rescheduled dates.

The Anthony Dominguez show will now be holding an extended stay on his leather couch with special engagements on his leather recliner.

I would like to thank the venues who hosted the couch tour 08', East Long Beach, Redondo Beach, Hemet, and Irvine. It was a great tour, full of excitement (like making new friends, for instance,say.... your buddies Meth dealer) lots of laughs, insomnia, depression, parties and enlightement. Once again, thank you to all of the venues who participated in this years' couch tour. Dates for next years' tour will be announced in the upcoming months.

That's IT!

Anthony Dominguez
comedian.writer.lover...

Currently listening :
The Cool
By Lupe Fiasco
Release date: 2007-12-18

_________________________________________________________
Monday, June 23, 2008

Sex, this one’s about sex.
Current mood: Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt.
Category: Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt. Romance and Relationships

I have too many friends in NA, AA, DA, everything ending in A. So I've had the 12 steps recited to me a thousand times, and every 12 stepper becomes an expert on addiction, just like cops see everyone as criminals, 12 steppers see everyone as addicts. They always have these vague, broad questions that they ask you, and if you answer more than one with a YES, then you are an addict. I defy anyone to not answer YES to at least one question on any 12 steppers list. I found this list of questions for SA, yes, there is a Sex Addicts Anonymous, and I just found my new dating pool. I decided to take the quiz and answer the questions to gauge my addiction.

The Twenty Questions

1. Do you frequently experience remorse, depression, or guilt about your sexual activity?- Freqently, hmmm, frequently...is 1 in 3 times freqently?

2. Do you feel your sexual drive and activity is getting out of control? Have you repeatedly tried to stop or reduce certain sexual behaviors, but inevitably you could not?- Define out of control...um, I did 30 days...and am happy to say I have not missed an orgasm a day since then.

3. Are you unable to resist sexual advances, or turn down sexual propositions when offered?-Who the hell is? The real answer is NO!

4. Do you use sex to escape from uncomfortable feelings such as anxiety, fear, anger, resentment, guilt, etc. which seem to disappear when the sexual obsession starts?-Once again, is there any other reason to have sex? If there is, please let me know. Sex is he cure all.

5. Do you spend excessive time obsessing about sex or engaged in sexual activity?-What was that last question? I was busy, very very busy.

6. Have you neglected your family, friends, spouse or relationship because of the time you spend in sexual activity?-Have I neglected my spouse because of my sexual activity? There are some broader implications here, and for the record, yes. I feel durty now, I need some sex.

7. Do your sexual pursuits interfere with your work or professional development?-If you mean, have I called in sick from work becasue I had to F23K, then the answer is a resounding, booming YES.

8. Is your sexual life secretive, a source of shame, and not in keeping with your values? Do you lie to others to cover up your sexual activity?-If it wasn't a secret I couldn't get as much ass as I do, plus, do I really want a repeat of the Yetti episode? (if you're not familiar with the Yetti episode, it's in this list of blogs somewhere) Also, if you bang an ugly chick and nobody knows about it, did it really happen? I say no. Shhhh, keep it a secret.

9. Are you afraid of sex? Do you avoid romantic and sexual relationships with others and restrict your sexual activity to fantasy, masturbation, and solitary or anonymous activity?-Definately not afraid, and solitary activity? Sex is a team sport, there is no I in team, unless of course the I is me, and I need an orgasm more than my teammate.

10. Are you increasingly unable to perform sexually without other stimuli such as pornography, videos, "poppers," drugs/alcohol, "toys," etc.?-Poppers? Looks like I need to add a lil' something new to my fortay. An active imagination makes 'ugly sex' that much easier, if you can bang a wooly mammoth, but visualize Christina Ricci, well, let's just say "the battle is won."

11. Do you have to resort increasingly to abusive, humiliating, or painful sexual fantasies or behaviors to get sexually aroused?-Refer to the above answer....just what exactly is abusive or humiliating? Isn't that subjective. I mean, if I like to pull a little hair, spank a little, and it seems normal to me, it could be way over the line for the next gurl. If the next gurl likes to put batter cable on my nipples, well, I say bring it!

12. Has your sexual activity prevented you from developing a close, loving relationship with a partner? Or, have you developed a pattern of intense romantic or sexual relationships that never seem to last once the excitement wears off?-I spend good money to avoid just this scenario.

13. Do you only have anonymous sex or one-night stands? Do you usually want to get away from your sexual partner after the encounter?- Refer to the above answer for the first part. We call it an escape clause in my cirlce.

14. Do you have sex with people with whom you normally would not associate?- Do a search for 'The Yetti' on my blog for this particular horrifying answer.

15. Do you frequent clubs, bars, adult bookstores, restrooms, parks and other public places in search of sexual partners?-Not since I stopped hanging out with George Michael.

16. Have you ever been arrested or placed yourself in legal jeopardy for your sexual activity?- Um, does time in a Tijuana jail count, if so then yes...twice...

17. Have you ever risked your physical health with exposure to sexually transmitted diseases by engaging in "unsafe" sexual activity?- What you call 'unsafe' I call 'riding the bull'.

18. Has the money you spent on pornography, videos, phone sex, or hustlers/prostitutes strained your financial resources?- I like to barter.

19. Have people you trust expressed concern about your sexual activity?-I like to F23K the people I trust at least once.

20. Does life seem meaningless and hopeless without a romantic or sexual relationship?- Life without sex, the horror, the tragedy, the money I would save!

That's IT!

Anthony Dominguez
comedian.writer.lover...

Currently listening :
Lupe Fiasco's Food & Liquor
By Lupe Fiasco
Release date: 2006-09-19

_________________________________________________________
Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Men seeking women are retards-
I was browsing Craig's List, lkie I often do when I should be working, and I couldn't help but notice that most of the posts are a little off. Not, 'off' like, say Kramer but 'off' like Dahmer. I shudder to think this is how I may be viewed by women.

I was reading several posts in the Men seeking Women section, here are the titles that caught my eye. Followed by my commentary, call it helpful advice.

1. Bestiality!!! - (323)
Beastiality? Beastiality? I say again Beastiality? First, if your into this, spell it correctly, secondly, if you think enough women in LA are into this, you have some great misconceptions about the other sex.
2. ATTRACTIVE MARRIED BLACK MALE SEEKING A SPECIAL FRIEND - 30 - (Hollywood)
I'm gonna start with 'Married', see, first and foremost, this is a no no in the dating community. Now, if by 'special' you mean 'rain man' then I'll give you a pass, otherwise, get a divorce.
3. looking for sexy milf - 32 -
Do you really believe there is a woman browsing CL right now, who sees this ad and exclaims in a Jennifer Tilly esque voice "I'm a sexy MILF! Yay! Someone wants me." If so, you my friend are R E T A R D E D!
4. Daddy/Daughter.... - 818 - (Burbank)
Good lead in, incest is usually better held till the third date, but I applaud your bravado. Way to just throw it out there, let em' know where you're coming from. Do I have to spell out the issues with this post? I thought not.
5. RIMMING?? - (L.A.)
Once again, I applaud your sense of subtlety, the nuances of your prose are more than enough to convince the woman of your dreams that Rimming is indeed just the special pick me up she needed today. God speed young Rimwalker, god Speed.
6. Turned on by asian women - 36 - (West LA /SGV/ OC)
Amazing title,since we all know that Asian women love to be singled out, they thoroughly enjoy being seen as a fetish, held to a subservient standard. May I suggest a follow up post, 'Wanted, urine colored princess to love me long time.' I just figured I'd spare you the time, since your previous post is most probably viewed this way.
7. Male ISO Female To Help Her Pay Her Bills - 33 - (Los Angeles)
Translation, 'I accidentally posted in the wrong area, I meant Erotic Services, sorry for the confusion. I really respect women, really, I do. I swear, stop looking at me that way.'
8. Rape fantasy or submissive??? - (L.A.)
Incest, Rimming, and now Rape? Sure, everyone has fantasies, some have control fantasies, or lack there of. However, most fantasies, and when I say 'most' I mean 98%, are fulfilled by people with a connection, some history. Not random 'psychos' and I mean that in the most polite way, from the internet. Don't get me wrong I'm up for a good raping like the next guy, I just choose to stalk and drug my women the old fashioned way. (read last line with extreme SARCASM)
9. Addicted to Big Boobs!!! - 29 - (Los Angeles)
If you as a woman, read this title and where in any way attracted to this man, please email me, because I too am addicted to big boobs.
10. I GUESS WOMEN ARE DUMB...BLACK MALE SEEKS SMART WOMAN - 36 -
He throws the first pitch, and it's knocked out of the park! I like to start my ads by insulting the very people I'm trying to attract, it goes back to elementary school, you punch the one you love. May I suggest some other titles? 'Shut up Bitch, I'm tryin to F23K you!' or 'Looking for girl who can take a punch.' possibly 'Look Bitch, have someone read this too you and call me.'

I initally planned on posting an ad looking to meet someone with whom I may share a connection, possibly grab a bite to eat, or some dessert, a drink or two even. It turned into something entirely different, if you enjoyed my humor, like Latin guys and have big boobs (I'm joking, sort of) then email me.

Thank you,
Happy Hunting.

Anthony Dominguez
Comedian, Writer, Lover...®

_________________________________________________________
Monday, January 28, 2008

’Tha Good Word’
Current mood: hoochie swagger, yummy.
Category: hoochie swagger, yummy. Life

It's official, my life sucks, not only am I being sued for ungodly amounts of money, and not for something fun either, like maybe slander, or sexual harassment, nope, just some mundane bullsh!t! I'm being evicted, AGAIN! I'm being kicked out for the same reason as last time (which was only like 4 months ago) they want more money, lots more money, like 1500 more, last time they wanted like 900 more. So, I'm out, I hate moving, I'm gonna make the best of it, gonna either move to the south bay or Hollywood. The WOOD! It's time to put some real effort into my Comedy/Writing/Loving ...career. I feel that being near the beach or being near the industry will help with the transitions I'm planning this year. If you know of any cool places, let a brother know!

Today, I have officially decided to re-name my penis 'tha good word', from now on I will only refer to it as 'tha good word'. It just flows off the tongue, literally, 'tha good word' just flows off the tongue. See how good that works? It's magnificent, I'll be in bed (after my 30 days is over) the lights will be dim, the mood will be set, I'll be standing in the door, framed by the candle light, "Baby, you look like you could use 'tha good word'." or "It's time to lay 'tha good word' you." even, "I saw a beautiful gurl today, I could see it in her eyes, she NEEDS 'tha good word'. Then there's my stand by, "It's time to put in 'tha good word'. I can see it in conversation, "Yo, what are you up to today Anthony?" "Me...just putin in 'tha good word'." OH YEAH!

Today is day 28, 28 days have come and gone, 2 days are left in 'the experiment' and I couldn't care less, I think that the point has been made, the days don't really matter anymore, if I reach the 30 or if I don't, or if I decide to go 60 more, the point has been made. Enlightenment has been achieved, I've found my distance, expanded my thinking and a hundred other ways to say that I've reached my goal. I look at women, and relationships differently now, I'm not hunting the 'weak antelope' I'm questing for 'the Unicorn'. There is a huge difference and I see it now for what it really, truly is.

Friday night I went to see The Bredrin Daddys at Di Piazza's in Long Beach, Geno (one of the MC's) was my roommate for several years, several good years, I saw him and his girlfriend. It was inspiring, he is doing great, physically, mentally, creatively and in his relationship. I was inspired, jealous and happy for him all at the same time. Everything I saw that night, opened my eyes, showed me the path and gave me a glimpse of where the path may lead.

My friend just sent me this text- "I'm gonna be a classy hoochie mama."
'The classy hoochie mama' is an endangered species. Help me protect this beautiful creature, only with your help can I, singlehandedly save this amazing specimen.

"Mercury in retrograde has brought in something dirty."- Wifey

That's IT!
Anthony Domingeuz
Comedian, Writer, Lover...

_________________________________________________________
Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Good Vibes-day 17
Current mood: The vibe is electric

I'm at day 17, things are good, I feel emotionally better, physically it's still tough, I didn't realize how much I relied on the physical attraction in my day to day activities. Yesterday I resisted the urge to hit on a stunningly beautiful woman. Why? Because when I said "Hello" there was no vibe, she was friendly, and I believe interested, but no vibe other than physical, I moved on. As I walked to my car, I didn't feel like I had missed some sort of opportunity, a strange feeling for me, I'm always afraid of missed opportunities.

Although the good vibes didn't jump at me from said woman, they have been getting stronger and stronger everywhere else, here are a few examples.
=========

This was a gift I received on Facebook. (my profile link is on this profile page, add me, I'm spending more time there.)

Alfie Numeric has sent you a growing gift! Over 4 days it will grow...
"she's creepy and cute at the same time and something tells me you need this in your life."
=========

This was sent to me via myspace email, from a good friend.

Glad to hear your online marriage is going well.... Just let me know when your ready for some online cheating sugar;)
=========

This was posted in a friends blog, you may be able to guess who. I'll take 'gigglesome' any day.

a friend of mine decided to start the new year with no orgasm (sex or self-imposed) for 30 days. he is doing it to gain clarity, cleansing, and enlightenment. (good for him!!! you should read his blogs. they are quite funny. he's a comedian so apparently a man who is out and about in town tends to meet some interesting, freaky women. and reading about him battling the urges is quite "gigglesome.")
==========

Finally, this was posted on my Facebook profile by the realest B!tch I know, I'm calling today.

'I really really miss you and I love you very much ....let's chat soon I need my dose of reality from the realest motherfucker I know love ya'
==========

Tonight I'm having some good friends over for a dinner, cooked by me, wine provided by Jim, and good conversation and vibes provided by 3 very dear people in my life. Keep the good vibes commin!

That's IT!
Anthony Dominguez
Comedian, Writer, Lover...

_________________________________________________________
Monday, January 14, 2008

Wifey is fun
Current mood: it’s you boo.

My myspace 'wifey' and I have been going back and forth creating the perfect life, we started with the house, our careers, the children's names and so on. Here is a lil' slice of life in the Dominguez de Ebojo household, as taken from emails. Enjoy.

hey, can you imagine scolding them and saying their full name!!!

SCENE 1 - Act 1
anthony sees his two year old daughter mahalaya and four year old son mateo being hung by the tag of their Oshkosh -'gosh overalls in the coat closet.

he yells for his mischievous eldest daughter maharlika that takes after his scheming myspace wife, alfie.

ANTHONY
MAHARLIKA REINA DOMINGUEZ DE EBOJO! git yer arse over here!

=================================================

MAHARLIKA
"ma, why does dad have a tongue ring?"

ALFIE
"cuz your father was a freak in his younger years."

The Next Day

MAHARLIKA
"Dad, mom says you where a freak in your younger days, that's why you have a tongue ring."

ANTHONY
"Honey, dad wasn't the freaky one, mommy put a curse on daddy."

20 minutes later

MAHARLIKA
"Mateo, if you don't give me back my paint brushes, I'm gonna put a curse on you like mommy did to daddy!"

MATEO
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
==========================================

Tune in tomorrow when 'wifey' puts another curse on anthony.

That's IT!

 

_________________________________________________________
Friday, January 11, 2008

19 days-scheming women and 3 some etiquete
Current mood: my scheming wifey

As many of you know, I am now 'myspace married' to the one and only Alfie Numeric we've decided to live at her house, remodel it and we can both work from home with our design businesses, her painting, my writing and comedy and our many children. Here are the names we've come up with.

maharlika ___reina____ dominguez de ebojo
mahalaya ___barbur______ dominguez de ebojo
joaquin ___cahya____ dominguez de ebojo
sage _raiden_____ dominguez de ebojo
mateo __valli____ dominguez de ebojo

I'll have to ask 'wifey' if I can post some of the emails, particularly the ones about punishing our children.

It's kinda cool going back and forth with Alfie cause we've really painted the perfect picture of marriage, at least in our worlds. I haven't been really focused on meeting anyone lately, nor have I been looking at the future of my relationships, seeing a scenario play out like this one has been enlightening. On paper, I've seen everything I want in a relationship. Alfie is very cool people, talented as all hell, sexy as a motherF23Ker! and an all around good person with the greatest vibe. I want a woman like her, into creative things, poetry, painting, entertainment, supportive, sexy, strong, educated the list goes on. I need someone like that.

Why do women on myspace take hundreds of pictures from the shoulders up? I ask, cause in the past few weeks, I've been hit up by a number of women since I started 'the experiment' and everyone of them says they are hot and sexy, check out my pictures, so I do, and all I can see is a head, shoulders and an arm! There is never a full body pic, never. Then they ask if I think they are hot...how the hell should I know?

Once again, evil reared it's ugly head, or in this case, it's sexy as hell breasts and ass, in an attempt to derail 'the experiment'. I fought valiantly, I swear, and now I'm 11 days in. The offers are getting harder and harder to deny. They are getting crazier and crazier too, I gotta admit, the only one not on the table yet is a the 3 some with 2 gurls. If that one is thrown in the mix, I might not be strong enough to say no.

On the subject of 3 somes, last week I was offered a 2 guy 1 gurl 3 some. I declined, she tried to persuade me with this argument. "I'm doing it for you, call it a late Christmas present, it'll be fun." Okay, first off, never, and I repeat, NEVER do anything JUST for me. NEVER,NEVER,NEVER! Second, how the F23K is having another penis in the mix good for me? I told her, "Hold the F23K up, this isn't for me, you're the one who's gonna get all the enjoyment out of this one, I gotta compete with another penis, and try my hardest (no pun intended) to never, ever accidentally touch the other guy, ever. Mean while, 2 men are devouring your body, competing for your attention and your always getting it. (this particular woman loves marathon sex) Now, if your gonna get me a gift, then bring another woman, that's a gift for me, one I'll enjoy and will be fun for both of us." This gurl is a bad gift giver. Women are freaky creatures.

That's IT!
Anthony Dominguez
Comedian, Writer, Lover...
_________________________________________________________
Thursday, January 10, 2008

10 days in-Crazy Talk
Current mood: what women say.

I try to write my blogs in the morning when I wake up, sometimes that is too late. If I can catch an internet connection somewhere I'll write it while I'm out hustlin. Today is no different, yesterday I just plain failed.

20 days left, 10 days in, yesterday was by far the hardest, literally. I almost failed, I almost succumbed to my baser instincts. Fortunately fate intervened and I'm still on my path. However it made me realize what a pig I am, seriously, I think with my d!ck way too much. Entirely too much, as the days have passed, I've noticed my focus has shifted a bit, from the physical to what I need on other fronts. As I've spoken to beautiful women, I've looked deeper for something, a real connection, I've not seen it, so new friends I have made. When I spot some delicious young feline, I now look a littler longer, looking for traits I may or may not be attracted to, much of these past days has been spent observing, unless I am approached, I've not been on the hunt. It is like living in an alternate universe, or watching your own body from a remote location, I feel like I'm observing myself interacting. 'The experiment' is producing great results. I've cleared the tables, and am looking forward to a fresh start.

Enough introspective crap, time for something interesting. I've had many adventures, I've dated some, um, how do I put this delicately? Alternate personality types, yeah, that works, who have given me years of on stage material. Here are a few of the gems spilled forth from their ever so lovely mouths. I'll break them down to situations. You can figure out the context.

In the Bedroom
Don't make me F23K you!
I F23King HATE YOU ANTHONY, you F23K me so good, I H A T E Y O U!
What? You don't like that?- after punching me in the face, punching ME in the FACE!
You know, I haven't done this to my Husband in 8 months.- This was my first knowledge of H.
Just bang my fat friend, then we can go do our thing, she goes right to sleep after.
This is my friend 'insert name' she gives great head- but you can't bang her.
I only like anal.
I've only had a woman go down on me, so a man never will.
Shhhh, I think I hear my uncle, oh it's okay, they are having sex too.
arf, arf, bark, bar, whoof, whoof, arf! yeah, she actually barked. odd.

Instant Messenger
We should just be friends and F23K.- my manager to me while I was lonely.
Hey, I'm black.
You wanna come fool around? You don't mind I'm in a wheelchair do you?
Hey, if you can be quiet and not wake up my parents, come over.

First Meeting
I just thought my daughter would watch a movie, while we F23Ked in your room.
I went to a party and F23ked 15 guys, I feel I can tell you anything, but I can't date you.
My baby is a F23King b!ich!
Here's 12 pictures of my pussy on my cell phone, see how pretty it is? Oh, here's my card, I'm a Christian store owner. I need some cock tonight.
I can't F23K you, I have a boyfriend- said while blowing my friend.

Text Messages
I've decided to start going out with my ex again, sorry.
I want your cock so bad- It was a wrong number. so sad.
Your very funny, just wanted to say that, never contact me again. smiley face.
In 30 seconds this text message will self destruct.
My husband found a video of us together- I didn't know this person, at all. No video.
I'm gonna kill you - from husband of video gurl.

There's hundreds more, I'm gonna save them for later.

That's IT!
Anthony Dominguez
Comedian, Writer, Lover...

_________________________________________________________
Monday, January 07, 2008

Darling Nikki- 23 days....ughhhhh
Current mood: here unicorn, here unicorn

I have one last Vegas Tale, this one is about Darling Nikki, d a r l i n g N i k k i! As you may or may not know I spent most of November in either Vegas or Reno, it was a non-stop party for the holidays!

My second trip to Vegas was with DB3 to see Chris Rock live at Ceasar's Palace. We went, we saw, we laughed, and we then partied till it was time to drive our drunk asses back to Los Angeles, I got 4 hours sleep in 4 days. DB3 had never been to Vegas, so it was my job to get him drunk, lose his money and have him wake up next to a tranny with no memory and pain in places he's never felt. I mad good on two of those, you guess which ones.

I started the night at Red Corner, my favorite bar in Vegas, it's a Vodka bar, go figure. We hit the craps tables, I won big, DB3 lost big, we ate, ate, drank, saw some casinos, drank, played craps, drank and saw some more casinos. After rocking the strip for several hours our first night, we called it, slept for an hour or so and started round two.

We drank, ate, drank, played craps, played craps, went from casino to casino and drank some more. Then we hit the clubs, DB3 has a particular system, I call it peacocking, look it up. His system works well in certain settings, so we chose to hole up int Toby Keith's bar/nightclub in Harrah's, yeah, it's a country bar, I know. It was awesome, the bartenders are all competition bartenders, meaning they all do stunts while mixing drinks, they are all hot, fun, and play numerous games with the customers. Not to mention one of the bartenders was a picture perfect double for my first girlfriend, and consequently the first woman I ever feel in love with, I was mesmerized by her for a good hour or two. If I didn't know the 'k2tha-m' was married, with 4 kids living in a small town next to the portal to hell, I woulda sworn it was her. Fast forward to later, we post ourselves at the end of the bar, backs to the dancefloor and band, THE BEST PLACE in the entire bar! Every hot gurl in the bar without a man, chose our little spot to squeeze in and get their drink orders, we of course were very accomidating. As each sexy gurl came by, we made small talk, DB3 was getting hit on left and right, I was playing it cool, waiting for the weak antelope. Instead of the weak antelope, a Unicorn squeezed in. Unicorn- a mythical creature, rarely seen, and almost impossible to capture, let alone F23K. This unicorn was spectacularly beautiful. She fit into my dream gurl category, and into DB3's as well.

'The unicorn', stuck her horn in and we both instantly made room, she and her 'grandmother' started talking to DB3, I knew that there was no way I could even look in her direction, there was nothing I could say that wouldn't come out as a cock block on DB3, so I just drank my beer and stared straight ahead like a statue. Even Hello, would have come out wrong, nothing could have hidden my desire to capture this unicorn. Minutes pass, I'm staring straight ahead, I hear bits of the conversation, I refuse to look over, to even risk opening my mouth wider than is required to take a sip. As the minutes pass, I feel 'the unicorn' nudging my side, softly at first, then gradually harder, I ignore it, a little harder, I ignore it. Finally 'the unicorn' grabs my shoulders spins me around and says "Who the hell are you?" Yes, unicorns can talk. I look over her shoulder at DB3, who is being hit on by 'grandma', All I hear her say is "My ex husband is black." Then she smiles real big and just stares at DB3. I swallow hard, "Anthony Dominguez." Followed by, a much louder, "Have you met my friend DB3?" 'The unicorn', whips her mane, smiles and replies,"Yeah." Without missing a beat, "So tell me about you." I look over 'the unicorns' shoulder, DB3 give's me the 'okay, you tried, I failed, go for it bro' look. I love that man. Fast forward, me and the unicorn are hitting it off, I'm sitting there looking into her eyes, thinking "If I had a shot, I think I could make something happen with this unicorn." I don't mean just get laid, I felt the kind of connection I've only felt a few times in my life, and each time something beautiful has happened. I was in awe. After a little while, the uncorn leave, time to graze, stretch her legs, maybe she was looking for her unicorn. DB3 says when she left me, she didn't take her eyes off of me the whole time, until she cam back over a few hours later, who says guys can't play hard to get.

The night is still young, me and 'the unicorn' are felling good, not too drunk, just good. We start to talk again, we connect well, the touching starts, if you've never been touched by a unicorn, I highly reccomend it. The touching is getting healthy, certain body parts are grazed, ever so slightly, I'm dyin here. I can see good things happening in the next 20 minutes or so. Then it happens, the god's do not approve of mere mortals defiling their unicorn's. They struck with such might and fury, I never knew what hit me.

'The unicorns' comes over, tells her their other freind passed out face first in the restroom. She hit the tile face first, after somebody, a good samaritan heard her gurgling in the toilet stall. Yeah, she had passed out face first into the toilet while trying to vomit, she was drowning in the toiled at Harrah's of all places. Could you imagine if she had died that way? The story they would have to tell her family, that she died in a toilet, at Harrah's, not even the Rio, I mean the Venetian would be a little prestigious at least. Back to my story, after being pulled out of the toilet, and escaping death once, she took several steps and went face first into the tile, no hands, 10 pont landing! Plow! Security was called, a wheel chair was brought in and they wanted to escort her off the property for being too drunk. My heart sank, cock blocked by the gods! 'The unicorn' came back over, relayed the tale to me, said she had to go. There was no chance of hooking up later, it was over, my dream of capturing and defiling my very own Unicorn was destroyed. I kept up hope, I tried to see about the next night, sadly they were leaving when the sun came up. I said goodbye, hastily gave her my card as she was arguing with hotel security, then went to set a trap for the weak antelope.

Remember how I said I felt a connection, well, I couldn't get her off of my mind for several days, so I did a little Sherlock Holmes or stalking, and found her work address. During the conversation, her friends had told us they all worked together, and where. After a little narrowing down, I found it, decided my best course of action was to send flowers, be a little romantic, hopefully not appear to stalkerish. I orderd a nice flower arrangement, stayed away from the cliche, put a nice poem on the care, my phone number, a little reminder of who I was and sent them off, into oblivion. Days passed, no call, no email, no nodda. I called the flower company, verified delivery, still nothing.

A few days passed, the holiday weekend, a few more days, I began to wonder if I should call her? I talked to my girl friend's they said yes. My problem was, I felt that a phone call would have been 'verifying my rejection'. "Hi, this is Anthony, I was just calling to verify my rejection, yes, okay, thank you. Could I use you as a reference later? No? Okay. Thank you. Good Bye." 'Confirmation of Rejection' received. I figured, if she was interested, she would have done something. Hell, who doesn't at least acknowledge they received flowers? Unicorns, that's who!

That's IT
Anthony Dominguez
Comedian, Writer, Lover...

_________________________________________________________
Sunday, January 06, 2008

Best Craigs List ads and translations
Current mood: 24 days and running

24 days and running should be my new theme song. It may end up being 5 more months, depending on how I feel in 24 more days. I got an interesting proposition from a woman I dated years ago. More on that later this week.

Today I’m gonna post my favorite Craigs List ads and as the title says, translate a few of em. I’m gonna try and put my translations in red.

This gurl gets an A for ingenuity, I’m actually gonna steal this ad and use it on another site. It’s clever and only slightly slutty. Of course, spell check wouldn’t hurt.
pimp my room - 25
Reply to: pers-530485561@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-01-06, 1:58PM PST

hey there. im a 25 SAF, a professional. im trying to fix my room and my place. ive been trying to look for stuff that could accentuate my room or pieces for aethetic purposes or for functionality. ha. ive got aim, and ym. im open to anything, even for meeting up new people. hit me!got myspace if u wanna see more pics.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This post just jumped out at me! How could I resist? How could any man resis such an inviting post? IT screams fun, Asian, Christian, and a reference to Adam and submissive religious behaviour while at the same time being slightly naughty, teasing in a Catholic sort of way. MMMM, sign me up!

Asian Christian awaiting for my Adam... =) - 29
Reply to: pers-528563989@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-01-04, 2:42PM PST

Adam where are you? I got your rib!!! =) --"How witty, I got your bone Eve!"--

I am a short and pleasantly plump chick. I know that not a lot of men are attracted to thick chicks like me. That is fine and fair, I have my wants and desires as well. --"This entire sentence reeks of FAT CHICK! I mean morbidly obese. Just an educated guess."--

I am fun and outgoing person, I love to play volleyball, badminton, bike, rollerblade, bowling, go hiking and dancing. I love to eat, that's why I am thick, (I am 155pounds/ 4'10.5") --"See, I was right. Fat. Um, at that height and weight, you are officially catgorized as a Dwarf, I'm not being mean, I believe that is a clinical category based upon that height, and I am highly suspect as to wether you can truly participate in 3/4 of the sports named. She is honest, I'm a little horny for this one now. Kinda Sexay"--

I have been living in OC for about two months now. I am from the East Coast, which is why I am seeking for male friends/ companionship here.--"Translation, This town sucks, somebody feed and F23K me out of this boredom."--

I am looking for a long term relationship with a Christian guy who loves and has a personal relationship with Jesus. --"I'm on THE PERSONAL SITE know for random sexual encounters looking for a good Christian for a meaningful relationship and Christian Values, cause all the bible thumpers are here looking for a good church gurl. Just bang me missionary style and we'll call it even."--

If you are not Christian, I open to a date, but not a relationship. --"Do I really need to translate this one? Okay, here goes, I'm willing to bang a heathen, but not marry them, I'm gonna be a slut till I find some sucker to marry my ass."

Please Email me your:
telephone number
age
ethnicty
picture for picture
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think I am in love with this woman, this is the best ad posted in the last few weeks. She uses pyro, and knives as a way to lure men, I'm so hot for her, I don't care how big she is, I'm in.

Don't click. No. Seriously. Don't do it - 28
Reply to: pers-528905807@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-01-04, 9:23PM PST

I am a foodaholic pyro that enjoys drinking way too much soda. I like to play with knives... but they have to be razor sharp (hazard of the profession). I like fatty foods and flavored martinis. Chocolate and I are best friends. I drive faster than I should. I like to change my haircolor whenever I can afford it, and my car is a mess. I've been known to follow bands across state lines. But, I can definitely say my life is interesting, and usually fun. Wanna compare bad habits?
---------------------------------------------------------

As far as tag lines go, this is the best. How could you skip reading this one? I opened it hoping Barbie was someone she knew. Oh, well. I'm waiting for the Craigs List murder confession. It'll happen.

I buried Barbie in my backyard. - 26
Reply to: pers-526945700@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-01-03, 7:04AM PST

Like anyone else, I hate writing ads trying to sell myself (for free-- even worse!) to strangers--but Jan. 2008 is here and I guess that's the name of the game. I am 26 going on 45, and i mean that in a "i won't get drunk on Pabst Blue Ribbon and throw up on you" way, not in a "i like collecting cats, crossword puzzle books, and spinning my own organic yarn" kind of way. I am very ambitious, more intelligent than the average person (which isn't really saying that much, i suppose), funny (HAHAHAHA!, cough * ummm, yeah), and i really like overusing commas, parentheticals, and my finely tuned analytical skills. I wish i was more pretentious-- knew my wines better and could actually name a Proust book-- but unfortunately i am only slightly so... i like Reisling and John Irving books, foreign travel-- especially to countries where i am likely to catch malaria, Woody Allen films, and people who have a strong work-ethic and a stronger inquisitiveness about them.

i am annoyed when people don't know the difference between they're, their, and there. i am annoyed when married men try to pick me up, and think that i missed that gold band they so 'cleverly' are trying to hide. i am annoyed at most of the antics used and 'personalities' displayed in hollywood. i work in the industry but i am about as un-industry as one can get. i don't like bars much, clubs much, or drugs at all. if you already find me to be dull, then good luck to you... if not, then i will let you know what i am looking for:

a guy who worked for what he has. a guy who is not looking for 1. a wife or 2. a fling/hook-up buddy. a guy who likes to learn and think and explore. a guy who has millions of dollars and speaks 23 languages and skis and ...-- oh wait... too much. right. ok, not a serial killer. tactful. not too hot that you will make me think you are too hot for me. i like white boys, black boys, jews, and the occassional none-of-the-above. i like tall (who doesn't). you should like curvy girls a.k.a. girls with junk-in-the-trunk and thighs-- i have a decent amount of each. well... lots, and 2.

this is too long. i hate long CL posts, i always skip them. here's to being my own saboteur. please respond with more than the standard "we should go out." tell me about yourself, pic appreciated.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

This next ad tells you a few things if you read between the lines.

what are you up to this week? - 25 Reply to: pers-529417528@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-01-05, 11:52AM PST

hi there. i wasn't able to go home for the holidays and i'm looking to go out and spend time with someone. i would like for this person to be searching or open to a relationship. i do not want someone that is interested in spending dinner with someone and acquiring a new friend. there is another section on CL that is for platonic relationships. i also don't want someone that is looking for friends with benefits, having fun, or a fling--once again, there is another section on CL for that. --"Time means, pay for my dinner and movie, I'm needy and want all of your attention. I will lead you on, but not F23K you! I've been a slut for years, and now I'm gonna be a good gurl and you get to reap the benefits of my new persona, meaning, no crazy sex, the other guys got that, no fun crazy parties, all done, you just get the left overs from eveybody else."--

that said, i'm at the point in my life where i am looking for something with potential. although i love to have long, passionate intimate moments with someone, i would appreciate someone that would take me to dinner or drinks, movies, dancing, anything where we could get to know one another, flirt, touch, gaze into each others eyes, and feel that long deep yearning for each other before we'd get to anything more. also, i'm a curvy/vuluptous girl. please be open to a woman with curves--in all the right places. --"Read the above first line, and second above, and once again, Fat."--

if you're interested in what i said, please SEND A PICTURE and tell me a little about yourself. i will do the same. --"I didn't post a picture, but require one from you, fat is, um I mean fair is fair."--

______________________________________________________________
My favorite line from an ad.

'I have three cats, Jasmine, Diamond and Onyx; they are pretty spoiled and must be around me whenever I am at home.'

I love Craigs List, it's the best. See you all tomorrow.

Thats IT!
Anthony Dominguez
Comedian,Writer, Lover...

_________________________________________________________
Friday, January 04, 2008

26 days and counting plus Vegas Tales 3
Current mood: 26 days, I’m hallucinating

If any of the following is confusing, read the post 'Day 1' first, then proceed with enlightenment to the paragraph below.

That's right, 'the experiment' has progressed. It's getting easier I believe, however I think all of my senses are heightened, I can sense a woman from 100 feet, and a beautiful woman from 500 feet. I'm noticing more and more women everyday, it's as if all of the hot/sexy/naughty gurls in California were told to find and entice me. I'm like a soldier, a soldier with an M-16 rifle and no ammunition, I'm a peaceful soldier. I'm a non-threating guy, neutered even. I feel queasy after writing that last line. I am keeping myself busy by coming up with catchy names and descriptions for 'the experiment'.

1. masturbation hiatus
2. orgasm boycott
3. sexual castration
4. Jesus wins
5. Just F23King kill me now!

As I promised, Vegas Tales 3, on a side note, I got a call today from a faithful reader who told me that when she reads my stories, she feels like she is actually there watching them as they happen. I couldn't ask for a better compliment. It's comments like this that validate my efforts in comedy and writing.

I left off with my utter humiliation and embarrassment over being fooled by and having an unhealthy crush on a hooker, only to receive a call an hour later from 'Peckerwood' to tell me about 'What Wife?' and his exploits. You'll notice a theme in this particular trip, pay close attention, I won't point it out again.

'What Wife?' was sitting at a slot machine when I was headed to my room, before my 'hooker crush' caught and tricked me, I said "Hey bro, what's up?" He replied. "Oh, I'm just chillen watchin security round up all of the hookers, it's like watching cockroaches run when you turn on the lights." Followed by a hearty laugh. Behind him 'Silent' just nodded...silently. I stopped and sat with them for about 15 minutes watching the show, it was similar to a Keystone Kops routine (look up Buster Keaton if your confused, and get some culture dammit!) The choreography was impeccable, hookers would huddle, then fake right, fade back, cut left, and dive for the goal line, the goal line being some unsuspecting drunk bastard who they could pass off as boyfriend and girlfriend with for the few minutes it would take Hotel Security to pass them by.

As they would scurry by, 'What Wife?" would whisper at about 90 decibels (that's very loud for you non audiophiles) "How much ho?" If the answer was too much he would then yell "Hey, security, I got one right here, there she goes, the cockroach in the magenta skirt, get her, rope that ho!" Behind him, 'Silent' would nod in...silent approval. The amusement ran out for me at about the 15 minute mark, so I bid them good hunting and left to start my own private embarrassing nightmare.

According to 'Peckerwood's' account one of the 'hooker cockroaches' gave the right price and 'What Wife?' stuffed her under his arm and with 'Silent' in tow, headed for their room. Now it starts to get weird, 'Peckerwood' had called it an early night, due to loss of fluids and 3 bottles of Tijuana's finest tequila, he was passed out, when his phone rings, "What the F23K!?' "Yo, 'Peckerwood', it's 'What Wife?', I got this hooker with me, I'm getting a massage, want to come watch? Dude, she's neked, rubbing her titties on my back, I got wood bro."

'Peckerwood' sat speechless, then he regained his composure, "F23K You! I'm sleeping, I don't want your sloppy seconds, sh!t probably thirds. What the F23K is 'Silent' doing?" It gets strange now, "Oh, he's sitting on the other bed in his tightey whities watching me get a massage and rubbing his dick. Um, I just realized that this is kinda gay, dude, don't tell anyone, go back to sleep and forget this phone call ever happened." CLICK.

Of course 'Peckerwood' called everyone in the hotel, every cell number he had, and I think he even yelled down the hallway to the hotel staff just to be sure everyone heard the story.

In the morning, I saw 'What Wife?' and asked him how it went, he laughed and said "Bro, she was rubbing me down and getting into it, and I was all ready for the happy ending, then I heard 'Silent' grunt twice, followed by a thud...then my hooker said she was weirded out by this, so she got up, got dressed and left. 'Silent' had a happy ending watching me trying to have a happy ending and scared my hooker away."

'Silent' stood behind him with his head down...silently. I laughed my ass off! 'What Wife?' looked behind him at 'Silent' and said, "Bro, you owe me, when we get home, you gotta take my old lady out with your old lady so I can go hit my girlfriend, I need to get laid." Vegas brings out the best in people.

I caught up with 'Tha Pimp' for breakfast, he was regaling us with tales of how he hooked up with 'What Fiance?'(a stunningly hot East Indian delicacy who was in town to meet her fiance that evening). He had met her at the restaurant, avoided her cock blocking friends, took her to her room and hit it for a few hours, then before he left, he went to the bathroom to freshen up. For a guy, 'freshening up' means wiping your balls off. I asked him what he wiped with. This may sound strange, but I had a feeling the answer would be worth the strange looks the table gave me, he said ,"With the hand towel in the bathroom." Then he looked at me like I was gay, I stared back, not paying attention to the murmurs and strange looks from the group, and followed it with this question, "What did you do with the towel when you were done?" He looked at me real strange and said "Dude, are you gay?" I laughed and said, 'No, just tell me what you did with the towel when you where done." I already knew what he had done with the towel, this was his first trip to Vegas, and his first time in a expensive hotel room, it was simple human nature. I asked again, "What did you do with the towel?" He finally, reluctantly answered, "I hung it back up. Why?" I laughed and laughed, then I asked him, "What do you think the first think 'What Fiance's' fiance is gonna do when he gets to the room after coming from the airport?" "I don't know, probably wash his face, and.....oh sh!t! He's gonna rub my ball sweat on his face, oh man I feel bad now, not only did I tear up his fiance, he's gonna have my balls on his face too!" The whole table laughed, they finally figured out where I was going with my questions. For the remainder of their stay, 'What Fiance' and her fiance where probably gonna wipe 'Tha Pimps' balls on their hands and face several times. That's adding insult to injury, What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!

To make things better 'Tha Pimp' told us about the hooker he brought back to the room he was sharing with 'Peckerwood' he spent the whole walk back from another casino looking for the uglies hooker he could find, he found one who looked like Mr. T and she told him 50 bucks. He took her to the room an woke up 'Peckerwood', he walked into the room and yelled, "Hey ho, I got this hooker for 50 bucks, you wanna go half and hit it too?" 'Peckerwood' was lying on his stomache facing away from the door, so he said, as he rolled over, "F23K yeah! I put 20 on...OH HELL NO!" As he rolled over, he had gotten a good look at Mr. T, 'Tha Pimp' fell out laughing, 'Peckerwood' yelled, "Get that tranny looking ho outta my room now!" 'Tha Pimp' turned to look at Mr. T, and she looked at him with those sad hooker eyes, he felt bad, so he took her into the bathroom, put on 2 condoms, (I'm not making that up, he put on 2) and tried to hit it from behind, he said she was so ugly, he couldn't get hard, he was limp trying to F23K Mr. T, after about 7 minutes, he got so disgusted, he threw her out of the bathroom and told her to get the 50 out of his jeans and leave. Disgusted and felling durty, he took a shower a shot of tequila, poured some on his d!ck for good measure and went to bed. As he retold the story, the waitress came with our check, he reached into his pocket, looked at all of in amazement and pulled out 50 bucks. Mr. T had left without taking the money! We couldn't stop laughing, he hit Mr. T, thought he paid, meanwhile she was so hurt, she ran out of the room giving him a freebie! The extent some people will go to play a trick on a friend.

That's IT!
Anthony Dominguez
Comedian, Writer, Lover...

_________________________________________________________
Thursday, January 03, 2008

Vegas Tales Part 2 and somewhere Day 3 is crying
Current mood: Could I date a hooker?

When I left you last, Vegas Tales had reached the conclusion of 'Peckerwoods' rousing story of love, fidelity and the passion that can only be experienced by a hooker's mouth while you're on your cell phone. Oh the joys of love, I'm jealous, celoso I tell you.

Next up it was 'Mr. Angry's' turn to get on the M I C, and throw down with his natural alcohol induced fueled charm. To give him some leeway here, 'Mr. Angry' was persuaded by the group, okay persuaded is a strong word, fooled is better. He was fooled by the group into thinking every hot gurl in Vegas is a hooker. This was proven by strategically approaching the known hookers and strikeing up conversation with 'Mr. Angry' in earshot. Within a few minutes, he was positive every gurl in Vegas was, in his words a 'whore' and only out to humiliate him. Fruity mixed drinks are concoctions created by Beelzebub himself for people like 'Mr. Angry' they are specifically designed to brink out the worst in the least amount of time. TO counteract this 'threat', when I say 'threat', I am referring to the plot by 'the whores' to humiliate 'Mr. Angry' by not actually being interested in anything more than his wallet, he proceeded to approach any and every attractive gurl in the casino and casually SCREAM "ARE YOU A WHORE?", followed by "NO REALLY, ARE YOU A WHORE?" This was funny only every single time he did it, made funnier by the fact that he at no time approached an actual hooker, just tourists there for a good time. Beautiful, innocent tourists who would spend the rest of the night asking anyone who would listen, "Do I look like a hooker?" Vegas Baby, there's No place else. After avoiding about 30 fights we proceeded to pawn 'Mr. Angry' off on the casino, leaving him to some much needed gambling. To give you an idea of how drunk he was, the Pit boss refused him a seat a the poker table, then he passed out at the counter arguing with the hostess for a seat at another poker table, passed out in mid sentence. Thank you 'fruity mixed drinks' Beelzebub.

This Vegas Romp wouldn't be complete without my own embarrassment, mine came after I ditched the crowd, wandered the casino and was stopping to get a Gatoraide before heading to my room. As I approached the drinks, me and an excruciatingly beautiful Puerto Rican woman reached for the same drink, we both stopped, looked at each other and smiled. I started cracking jokes about the funny named drinks on the shelf and she laughed, an amazing laugh which made her glow, and her ample breasts bounce with glee. I was mesmerized. We stood there talking, laughing, telling stories and getting to know each other for an hour, by now it was close to 5am. I was attracted this this beautiful woman from Arizona, here for the weekend dancing at the local club. She told me she flies in every weekend works at the strip club and flies home. Not unusual, I know lots of gurls who do this, it's the norm in the porn world, Vegas strippers make the most legitimate money. Okay, I'm not turned off, I'm even a little more attracted now, we buy our drinks, start to walk and she says "My allergies are really acting up, can we go up to your room and I can wash my face, my friends should be calling me in a few then I gotta meet them at our hotel." I'm a gentleman, who happens to have an erection you could cut glass with, and politely say "Yes, of course, but no fooling around, I'm tired and gotta get up early, be a good gurl and don't try to seduce me." She laughs, we proceed to the cathedral which is my room, we're holding hands, she's smiling at me, giggling, I'm gonna spend the next 20 hours devouring this Puerto Rican treat! Wait for it, my luck could not possibly be this good. We get to my room, she excuses herself to the bathroom, washes her face and clears up her allergy attack. She comes out, sits on the bed across from me stars rubbing my leg and asks "So, what are you into?" I look back at her puzzled, she repeats her question "So what are you into?" I stutter out an answer, "What do you mean?" "She laughs, unbuttons a few of the buttons on her top and says "It's 300 for the works, I got toys in my bag, outfits, I do massage, dance for you and you can put it anywhere you like." Yeah, she's a F23King H O O K E R! I stare at her for about 90 seconds, thinking in my head, "Damn, she's a F23king hooker, a nasty F23King hooker...do I got 300 to spare, NOOOO, that's durty, tell her to leave, now. She is hot, hmmm, we seem to click, have things in common, I wonder could I date a hooker? That's just ridiculous, Could I? Stop it, throw this hooker out N O W!" My conscious finally wins and I say out loud "I didn't know you where a 'working gurl', you coulda told me that a F23King hour ago and saved us both some time." She looks at me confused, "I told you I was a stripper." Like that says it all, "Honey where I'm from, not every stripper is a hooker! We've had a bit of miscommunication, plus my ego has been body slammed from the top rope by this little incident. I thought you were genuinely interested in me." She looks at me with those sad eyes and delicious breasts and says "Honey, I am interested in you, we have a connection, we obviously are attracted to each other, so let's do this thing, how bout 200?" She's haggling with me, wow she must really like me. Now I'm straight up mad, I tell her to get out, she stand to leave, not knowing that my head is having a vicious argument about having 200 or not and the start of a wonderful relationship, using the logic that the best relationships start under the strangest circumstances, and this qualifies as strange. I need therapy, bad. She leaves, but not after giving me her cell number and name, Jackie, sweet sweet Jackie, oh what could have been. I hate Vegas Hookers!

Next Vegas Tales, a rubdown, tightey whities, and 50 bucks well spent, plus Darling Nikki.

Thats IT!

_________________________________________________________
January 2,2008
Day 2

Current mood: Torture me dammit!

I'm not going to do a daily update on my self imposed cock blocking/30 day experiment, unless something outrageous happens or my penis explodes.

I gotta say, Did every woman who had even the slightest interest in me read my blog yesterday? I ask because the offers came rolling in about 4 pm yesterday and didn't stop till I shut down the Ant Phone and forced myself into a fitful sleep full of erotic dreams. The offers ranged from, "Just start your 30 days tomorrow, I'll make it worth it." To "I just wanna blow you, that's all I swear, It would really help me, please." She said Please! She asked to blow ME, and said Please! Am I in the F23king Twilight Zone? My favorite was the gurl who cam at it from the other direction. "So, YOU can't orgasm right, so what's that got to do with me? You can still take care of me and not violate your 30 day experiment right? Let me just come over, you do your thing, and we're both happy." I had to point out to her that by 'helping her out' I would be subjecting myself to some excruciatingly aggravating frustration, not to mention, I don't know if I'm that strong yet.I did applaud her ingenuity. I now have a handful of standing offers to 'help' when 'the experiment' is over. This is gonna be tough.

It could be tougher, I could have dated this amazing gurl. Not only is she a Beauty Queen, she's a Law Student, yet she must have felt her resume was looking a little light, it needed to be spice up with a little kidnapping and assault with a deadly weapon. I wanna know how this got started, did she tell him "If you break up with me, your gonna regret it! I swear I'll kidnap and torture your ass!" and he just laughed "Well if you woulda done that kind of kinky sh!t earlier maybe we'd still be together." I wonder.

That's IT!
Anthony Dominguez

_________________________________________________________
January 1,2008

Day 1
Current mood: 29 more days to go. AAGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!

I'm careful with my heart and who I let into my life- Murs

I figured this was a good way to usher in the new year, with a quote from Murs song Bad Man. Happy F23King New Year and all that sh!t!

Okay, onto the real reason for this blog. I'm not gonna bore you with resolutions, just know I have a slew of them, I am however gonna bore you with the goals and one plan of action.

Goal- Be a better person this year. This encompases every aspect of my life.

First plan of Action- No orgasms for 30 days.

Yup, you read that right, no masturbating, or sex for 30 days. This may not sound like much of task, if however you are chronically addicted to orgasms like myself, this is a duanting task to say the least.

"Why?" You may ask, would I undertake such a task, the answer is simple, "I've been letting my d!ck make my decisions for me for the past several months." "No big deal." You might say, "Every guy lives this way." True, and I want some clarity of mind, I've been doing things solely for the purpose of acheiving an orgasm, some choices I've made recently have been suspect and I feel that 30 days will clear my mind and allow me to focus on more important aspects of life.

There's nothing like the shame of waking up next to a Yetti (look it up) and saying to yourself, "I will never do this again, I F23King swear!" Followed by the next morning when you awake next to a lovely whale monster and you say to yourself, "I will never do this again, I F23King swear!" Fast forward to the next week, and while getting a blowjob you look down and think to yourself, "No one can ever know!" These are not the ways of a truely enlightened soul. I endeavor to be enlightened.

I have started out well, I awoke to a rather painful erection, and chose to ignore my usual moring routine. I'm even more proud of my next accomplishment, I had a date today with 'tha golddigger' and I canceled it, because I have no interest in her other than to have beast sex for a few hours. I have no desire to converse with her, understand her neurotic behavior or explore her deep rooted golddiggerism. I just want to defile her body in every pleasurable way.

I was stong, the date is cancelled, and I told her why. She was a bit surprised by my honesty, and surprisingly a bit more interested in me. She actually told me to call her in 31 days to let her know how the experiment went. She did make it clear that if she was gonna sleep with me, I would now have to prove that I was genuinely interested in her as a person. I didn't have the heart to tell her this was catagorically impossible. It doesn't much matter, the end goal was acheived, no orgasm or meaningless sex. I'm acutally congratulating myself for self induced cockblocking. I may need therapy.

Last but certainly not least, I will be blogging everyday, possibly even a few a day, but one a day at the very least. My faithful readers can look forward to some themed days and my usual stories. See you all tomorrow morning.

That's IT!

_________________________________________________________
September 13, 2007 - Thursday

Dutch chicks rule
Current mood: Drink, drink and be merry

Tuesday night I hosted La Conga in San Pedro for Cisco, come check it out if your in the area, it's a great room, good comics and a hot bartender with a heavy hand. After doing my hosting duties, and during the show, a Dutch gurl came into the show, she eyed 'the Swedish kid' and made a beeline for him. Asked to sit down and proceeded to offer to buy him a drink. He accepted (asked for a coke...yeah, a coke) and they talked, I saw this and was fascinated, so when she walked away for a moment I went over to him and asked him ,"So what's up with her?" The first thing he said was, "Do you think she's a prostitute?" I choked on my drink and said, "No, not around here, she's just a normal bar gurl." Little did I know how wrong I was.

'Dutch gurl' comes back and the show goes on, I bring up the Headliner Bob Frady (a great comic) and go outside for some air, while standing with DB3, 'the Swedish Kid' brings 'Dutch Gurl' out to meet us, she introduces herself and we all make small talk.

Pay attention, this is where it gets good. We find out she rode her bike to the bar, I look down the street and see a beach cruiser with a baby seat lying against a light post. I say "Is that your bike? It has a baby seat." She replies "F23K you, mind your own business." DB3 says "No it's cause she has small friends." We laugh, she pulls out her cell phone and says, "Look at my beautiful daughter." We look, someone mentions the baby is cute, she replies "No she's not, she's a F23King Bitch! She'll kick your ass!" Me and DB3 spit our drinks out, we look at each other while we are laughing, did she just call her baby 'a F23King bitch?' Yes, yes she did, and she's proud. Love them Dutch.

Now the conversation moves onto how long she's live here, she tells us 2.5 years, cause in her words "I met a liar." She recounts the marital bliss she currently experiences with this little story. "He's and asshole, he works too much, and I hate him, so one day I was on myspace, looking for someone to F23K, cause that's where I find my F23Ks, and after the guy F23K's me, I wake up in the morning to my husband holding a condom and yelling at me about F23King someone. But I remember that the guy I F23Ked, left, for once. So he was just testing me. He felt stupid after that." She distinctly remembers the guy left, for once, implying that they usually stay, and she hates that. God love her.

While this story is being recounted, Bob Frady is asking the audience, "Have you seen Anthony? Am I done yet?" I rush inside and yell "No, keep going, I'm busy." He tells a few more jokes, and then I rush back in and take him off stage. I tell the audience why I'm late, recounting the stories and conversation with 'Dutch gurl'. I hastily end the show and rush back outside to the train wreck already in progress. The conversation has gotten ugly, apparently 'Dutch gurl' is not getting enough attention, so she decides to start verbally attacking 'the Swedish kid', telling him "You're such a pussy, I offer to buy you a drink and you say, give me a coke! You are a faggot, you don't know it yet, but you are. F23K you I hate you. Stop talking to me." Immediately followed by "Why aren't you talking to me? You are so cute and sexy, come kiss me, no F23K you then." 'The Swedish kid' is totally lost, he's trying to rationalize with her, saying "No, I'm a nice guy, why are you calling me and asshole?" Totally offended and a little but hurt, he walks away, I have to tell him it's not personal, she's just looking for attention. No big deal, shrug it off and watch the train wreck, take notes and get some material out of it. He's too disheartened, and upset that someone could think he's an asshole, and wants to leave. I tell him, "Look , i need material, this is golden, id you wanna sit in the car, go ahead, I'm gonna go enjoy myself." I walk back in, followed reluctantly by 'the swedish kid' to see her at the bar with some comic, I decide to let the disaster that's waiting to happen, happen to him. I tell 'the Swedish kid', "Okay, it's time to go."

I call the comic the next day, to ask what happened. His story is priceless. It turns out that after he bought her a few more drinks, she told him "I really shouldn't be drinking, I got problems." He asks "Like what?" She replies, "Cause I'm in AA." He tries to snag the drink he just bought her back, and she fights him off, saying "No, no, I volunteered, I just wanted to see what it's like. My real problem is when I drink, I get horny, real horny, and I F23K anyone." His masterful reply, "Do you want another drink?" I'm laughing so hard by this time, I'm afraid of crashing my car. He tells me, after this exchange they start making out, her phone rings, she tells him it's her 'friend', they continue to make out. Her phone rings again, her 'friend' tells her he's there. She hangs up and turns to the comic she's been making out with for the last hour and a half and says "My husband's here." The comic looks at her, and without saying one word, gets up and walks out the door. He stays in the parking lot long enough to see 'Dutch gurl' dragged out of the bar, thrown into his car, and her fighting to get back into the bar. She ended up in the back seat, going berserk trying to get out and drink some more. Gotta love them Dutch.

That's IT!

_________________________________________________________
September 10, 2007 - Monday

Good F23King morning!

It's official, I F23King H A T E mornings, the only reason to be up in the morning is to surf, which by the way I will be doing lots of (I bought myself a new surfboard for my birthday- yay me and self birthday presents).

Why am I up you may ask? Well, today is the start of a new era in the life of Anthony Dominguez. A new beginning if you will. Filled with new hopes an possibilities. I am beginning a new schedule designed to help me accomplish some and or all of my goals faster. From this day forward (except for the occasional vacation day) I will be up at 6am and in the gym, then I will be blogging, followed by some work, then I will again venture into the gym in the afternoon, write comedy and then perform comedy. Everyday. Yes, I said it, everyday. The only day I will not bog in the morning possibly is Tuesday, I have my reasons, stop being so nosy. I have ealized if I stick to this schedule, and add a few things into it which I will discuss at a later date, I will be able to reach most of my goals in 6-12 months. That's exciting. So today is Day 1. Let the game begin.

'The Swedish kid' is back! I picked him up from the airport Saturday night, he's been gone about 2 years, it's good to see him again, he will be staying with me for a few days, till he gets his place in order. I took him to my parents house yesterday and it was hilarious listening to him and my grandfather talk. My grandfather is 95, still drives, trades in the stock market and is very hard of hearing. Couple that with 'the Swedish kids' not so thorough knowledge and understanding of American culture and customs, instant hilarity. TO give you an idea, when 'the Swedish kid' first came to my house, which is in a very nice neighborhood, upper middle class, very low crime, no graffiti etc, he asked me "I don't want to be rude, but is this he ghetto?" I laughed my ass off, "Um, we're friends, so I'm not offended, but don't ask anyone else that question when you go to their house. And no this is not the ghetto, why would you think that?" His response, "In Sweden, this would be the ghetto." I need to move to Sweden.

I say 3:10 to Yuma, great movie, long live the western, I need more movie's like this, more great westerns. It was everything a western should be. GO check it out.

That's IT!

_________________________________________________________
August 29, 2007 - Wednesday

Hmm, I had a dream
Current mood: dreams are cool

This morning, I woke up from a dream, in it I was trying to pick up women at a bar. I thought I was some kind of Don Juan, the ultimate ladies man. The only line I remember using was "Can I take a picture of your breasts and get your number?" I doubt this would actually work in real life, well, it has a 50/50 chance of working. I may need to test it. I am guessing my other attempts in said dream were just as bad, if not worse. Hopefully I will remember them as the day goes on. I also dreamt about 'tha gurl' last night, in it for the first time, was her boyfriend, not the guy she was dating after me, but some one else. It was as if it was a real life situation, we crossed paths, I said hello, shook her boyfriends hand, asked if they were doing well, gave her a polite hug and walked out to my car, without another thought. It was the first time I've dreamt about her and not had some sort of emotional reaction. She used to visit my dreams all the time, telling me things, giving me advice, I think this was her last visit. Time will tell.

I went to an 80's theme party on the Queen Mary Monday night. It was for the owner of the Blue Cafe, to celebrate his birthday. I have a show once a month in Huntington Beach at the Blue Cafe. It was a great event 'DMMFU' came along, dressed in her best 80's fashion, leggings, a denim skirt and a hideous off the shoulder purple and black striped shirt thingy, with plastic bracelets and big hoop earing's. I on the other hand was the definition of masculine, wearing red track pants, so tight that if I got an erection I would not be able to fit into them anymore, a bright yellow mesh tank top which I strategically cut to be a very masculine belly shirt and matching wristbands and a headband. Ladies, stay calm, there is enough of this to go around. The best part of the night was walking down Redondo Blvd in Long Beach, to pick our burger order and seeing all of the people look at me like I was some wack job. The outright laughter was a little unnerving.

That's IT!

_________________________________________________________
Monday, August 06, 2007

Ever see a quote and think...
Current mood: restless brain syndrome

I should have said this.

'All I know about that time is that Lindsay Lohan is the Road Warrior and the Space Shuttle can be flown while shitfaced.'-Warren Ellis

That statement just sums up current affairs in the US doesn't it? Then there is this great article
Wal-Mart has finally achieved what can be considered their greatest success: Hiring Mexican teenagers to work for free. Wal-Mart opened in Mexico 16 years ago and is now Mexico's largest private sector employer, with 150,000 people working for the demon company. They also employ 19,000 kids between the ages of 14 and 16 for nothing. Zip. Nada.

Come on now, kids? I thought they annoyed me when were yelling 'chiclets, chiclets!' at my ankles.

Then there is this nifty item. Check out this website, cut and past it into your browser. It will make you think about where you shop. http://www.lamanaphotography.com/walmart2.htm

I'm on a strange day of providing information. I wish I could rally the troops and propose a boycott, but then where would I get my household goods at swapmeet prices from? I'm like everyone else, trying to save a buck, even knowing some 3rd world kid is sewing my label for 3 cents an hour (as much as it may suck) doesn't stop me from shopping at Wal-Mart, or buying goods from other shady companies. Nike anyone?

Okay, here's one for the men- Breaking News, this just in...The Mustang Ranch is now open for business, again! Yes, the world famous house of ill repute is open for business. Nevada's first legal brother (house of prostitution) has opened it's legs for all of your wanton needs. Rejoice, Bablyon is almost here. I'm not to up on paying for sex, I like my sex free, like my water. If I was to pay for sex, it wouldn't be the outrageous prices I'm told the brothels in Nevada charge. Having been around the porn industry for awhile, I've met lots of customers and workers, they tell me the going rate starts at $1500.00 and goes up. That's crazy! ON the other side of the spectrum, I'm told Adleita's (in Tijuana, umm, yummy) the going rate is $25.00 plus a $5.00 room fee. Hmmm, which sounds better?

This is the best story ever! E V E R!

'Port St. Lucie, Florida- The 25-year-old exotic dancer had performed for Daniel Karpinski on several occasions, but this time it was breathtaking. Karnesha Nantz is being hailed as a hero for helping revive Karpinski after he passed out midway through her private performance at his Port St. Lucie home early Friday.' as reported by the Sun Sentinel

His private stripper (I meant to say 'dancer' ladies) got him so anxiety ridden with her gyrating that he passed out and she had to resuscitate him with mouth to mouth. I've kissed some nasty women, even one who was possibly a man (don't ask, I was drunk) and I'm down to try just about anything, but the idea of some home stripper putting her lips on me...I say let me die.

Finally, I will end this blog with some observations about Restless leg syndrome meds. The ads have been running rampant, 7-10 brands of drug to combat what could be prevented by simple stretching excersizes, all with insane side effects and probably some crazy cost. This is what I saw recently on television. One of the side effects mentioned was this-'It may cause you to fall asleep during normal activities such as Driving, or in some cases Walking.' Driving or Walking! You could fall asleep while Driving or Walking, what kind of Elephant tranquilizer are they trying to shove down your throat? it also states ''If you experience unusual sexual urges, the urge to gamble, drink or other urges not normal to your personality, contact your doctor.'' Let's recap, you will no longer experience restless legs, however you may become a sexual deviant, compulsive gambler, an alcoholic, or quite possibly you could fall asleep while WALKING. Fair trade I think. I wanna take some just for the side effects. I need some new material.

That's IT!

_________________________________________________________
Friday, August 03, 2007

Back in the Saddle
Current mood: Like tap water in the desert

I finally have my internet back, don't get me wrong Verizon F23Ked me, and good. I feel like a Tijuana hooker. No disrespect to those hardworking ladies of Adelitas.

Let's not talk about Charter Cable, or the crack head they sent to hook up my cable. He made a point of taking a very excellent record of my electronics, art and a framed $100 bill I have in the living room. NOT the kind of guy you wanna leave alone in a room with valuables, ever.

I will be locking my doors, of course if he decides to stop back by next week, he'll be surprised by my kids (160lb Rottweiler, and a 90lb Pitbull) who love strangers in their home, at least when I'm not their they don't. Otherwise they are complete sweethearts.

I've realized I need a good relationship, not for the usual reasons, like warmth, compassion, support, but for things like regular meals. I don't mean I need someone to cook for me, in fact I rather enjoy cooking, and when someone cooks for me, I have a hard time not helping (and when I say 'helping' I mean taking over) with that said, let me give you an idea of what I'm referring to. Tonights meal would be a good example, it consisted of Top Raman (shrimp flavor) with Tuna (canned in water) mixed in, followed by 6 almond roca candies and a Coke, a bottle of water and for desert...Vitality chicken breast jerky with Flaxseed oil and vitamins. Ideal for maintaining eyes, skin and coat, yes you read that correctly, C O A T. I had several premium treats for your dog's well-being. They were delicious, and I've never been shinier.

The News has a bastion of funnies. There was the Dentist who was squirting sperm into his patients mouth with a syringe while they where knocked out, that's not funny if it's you, since it's not me, it's hilarious. The funny part is how they caught him, after a session, several of the patients where in the waiting room talking ,and one woman told the other women in the room and I quote "Something tasted familiar." At which point the other women smacked their lips and agreed that something definitely tasted 'familiar', after comparing notes they determined what the 'familiar' taste was. I'm not saying that particular city has more sluts than another, but well, you can make your own assumptions.
Then their was the guy who's wife got a sex change operation, so he divorced her, of course. Then the sex changed wife wanted alimony! I don't know you but I would have told the judge,'Your honor, my wife died,this dude can take care of himself.
And finally there is a new television station in Hawaii with the call letters WKUNT...yes W K U N T. Sadly the company realized the mistake and is in the process of applying for new call letters. Sadly.

I peruse Craig's List regularly, I get material, promote my shows, and occasionally meet some interesting people. In fact some truly great material has come from CL. Tonight I posted an ad aimed at the plethora of gold diggers, it read
" I am offering an all expense paid trip to the 99 cent store, shop till you drop, it's on me."
I should get some good responses, I'll post them tomorrow.

Last but not least, I found this gem on democracynow.org regarding bottled water. Below is the article.

---------"The soft drink giant Pepsi has been forced to make an embarrassing admission - its best-selling Aquafina bottled water is nothing more than tap water. Last week Pepsi agreed to change the labels of Aquafina to indicate that the water comes from a public water source. Pepsi agreed to change its label under pressure from the advocacy group Corporate Accountability International which has been leading an increasingly successful campaign against bottled water.
In San Francisco, Mayor Gavin Newsom recently banned city departments from using city money to buy any kind of bottled water. In New York, local residents are being urged to drink tap water.The U.S. Conference of Mayors has passed a resolution that highlighted the importance of municipal water and called for more scrutiny of the impact of bottled water on city waste.
The environmental impact of the country's obsession with bottled water has been staggering. Each day an estimated 60 million plastic water bottles are thrown away. Most are not recycled. The Pacific Institute has estimated 20 million barrels of oil are used each year to make the plastic for water bottles.
Economically it makes sense to stop buying bottled water as well. The Arizona Daily Star recently examined the cost difference between bottled water and water from the city's municipal supply. A half liter of Pepsi's Aquafina at a Tucson convenience store costs one dollar and thirty nine cents. The bottle contains purified water from the Tucson water supply. From the tap, you can pour over six point four gallons for a penny. That makes the bottled stuff about 7,000 times more expensive even though Aquafina is using the same source of water."------------------

I laughed my ass off. F23King tap water? I've been buying bottled tap water, tap water with less regulation...I love this country and our ability to use capitalism as an excuse to pull shady sh!t. One second while I take a swig of my bottle of Dasani tap water, Missouri tap water. Damn I feel stupid.

That's IT!

_________________________________________________________
Monday, July 23, 2007

Excited and scared at Hotel Dominguez
Current mood: You check in, but you don't...

I have the possibility of an exciting week ahead of me, and I'm scared. You ever been that way? Something cool or great or fun is going to happen and your as scared as you are excited? Well that is where I'm at this week, I'm at the place where I almost (almost) don't want anything to happen, cause it would be easier (chickensh!t, I know) the road less taken and all. At the same time, the fear is invigorating, making me thirst for life. Time will tell, as per usual, I'll fill you all in as the week progresses.

'Flexibility' came by last night, she is in town (she moved a few months ago) for job training this week and driving around aimlessly last night trying to find a hotel with a vacancy, I offered Hotel Dominguez and she decided to check in. The conversation leading up to it was interesting, the things that go through peoples minds...me, "It's already late, why don't you crash here, and find a hotel tomorrow, save the money." Driving in circles, "Are you sure you wouldn't mind? You know me, I'm in bed before 10, it's almost past my bedtime. I won't be fun company." "Don't worry, I'm busy cleaning the house, then I have some comedy projects to work on, sleep gurl." Still driving in circles, "Um, are you gonna try and F23k me?" My surprised response "Well, I wasn't planning on it, do I have to?" She laughs, "No, then do you have a bathtub?" Now I'm laughing, "Yes." "Good, can I take a bath?" "Sure." Driving towards the new house, "Okay, I'll see you in a few, how do I get there?" She showed up a lil' while later, drank some chocolate milk, took a bath and went to sleep. I should charge for these services. Hotel Dominguez, full service (minus the F23king. That's an extra charge, plus tip! My slogan would be, 'Where the customer always cums first...I kill me.)

That's IT!

_________________________________________________________
Friday, July 20, 2007

Inspired movment's, couches and population control.
Current mood: population control, it's your right.

I'm a movement by myself-I'm a force when we're together-Neo
I love this song, it's a positive hip hop song, and it doesn't demean women. Hard to find on the radio these days, I was initially inspired by the above line, then when I wrote it down, I couldn't help but associate it with a bowel movement. 'I'm a movement by myself' it still has a good meaning, just different. Okay, I'm finding humor in this one all on my own, they all can't be winners. I'm looking for someone who could fill the role this song describes. Wish me luck. (read with sarcasm) Why? Finding a person who not only fulfills your emotional needs, but also is your muse, inspiration and staunchest fan all rolled into one...wow, tall order. One of my favorite songs is a duet by Method Man and Mary J. Blige (All I Need- i think) and one bar goes 'even when the skies where gray, you would rub me on my back, and say baby it'll be okay'. Everyday I struggle in this game, I think about that line. To me it means more than emotional support and comfort, it means someone who will endeavor to inspire you to greatness.

I'm puttin this out there, "I want someone who will endeavor to inspire me to greatness!"

Living Room comedian- Couch Comic
Jay Thomas's manager (who is also Howard Stern's manager) told Howard, that Jay was the funniest person he ever met, but he was a 'Living room comedian' not a Stand up Comic. This is my biggest fear, that I won't ever be able to take my 'Living room comedy' to the stage. It's strange, I will do good on stage, then come off and talk to the fans, and make a group of them cry from laughter. The dynamic is the same, I'm performing ,telling stories, but there is a big difference, and I can't find exactly what it is yet. I'm afraid I never will. I've caught glimpses of it on stage, there have been times when I bridged the gap, so it is possible, and as this blog always does, I've answered my fear. This is why I write. I'm still scared. Just less so now. Thank you oh great blog god.

What's going on in the world today?
There seems to be this horrible trend with safety precautions. It's getting ridiculous. If some product or service is inherently dangerous, then put safety precautions on in place. However if it's normal everyday stuff, then... leave it the F23k alone! DO we really need instructions on toothpaste? How bout on Bananas? See where I'm going here, hell, there's even precautions on water "Too much water ingestion can cause death", my response, good, if you consume enough water to die, you deserve your reward! I'm all about population control, survival of the fittest. If a baby dies because he got his head stuck in his crib, well, I don't think he was gonna be president with his limited cognitive skills. If his crib is made of asbestos and razorblades, well, then it needs some safety warnings. Otherwise, let what will be, be. I don't need safety warnings on my food products, clothing, Legos (well, maybe these need warnings, hey do taste good, and are fun to suck on while you contemplate how to build a weapon of mass destruction, Lego's get a pass), bicycles. The excuses given for this is, we are saving so many lives, my response, "We are dumbing down the gene pool." What did our ancestors do without all of these safety precautions? Did they all die out? NO, your existence is proof of that. You know what they did? They manned up, took their bruises and cuts, and learned. They knew what poisons not to drink, understood the natural order of food products and consumption, they were a tougher breed. Darwin would be disgusted by todays evolution. We are saving the weak Antelopes, the lame Gazelles, even the toothless lion. Have you been in traffic lately, we could use some thinning out. Stop with the nonsensical safety precautions and warnings. If you lack the common sense required to keep you from drinking Raid, well, then we won't be subject to raising your inferior offspring!

That's IT

_________________________________________________________
Thursday, July 19, 2007

What dreams may come
Current mood: De-F23king-lusional!

This morning I awoke from a dream about Alfie Numeric not a sexual one, unfortunately (that woman is mad sexay!) it was a convoluted movie dream about rival gangs, and several forms of mixed martial arts, we battled, and in the end me and her boyfriend (the rival gang leader) became friends through a tenuous battle of martial arts. It ended with me hugging Alfie Numeric and realizing we could never be together because of our rivalries. What the F23K! No seriously, what did that crazy ass dream represent? What is my subconscious trying to tell me? Mixed martial arts, crushes, unrequited love, it was a cliche movie plot, and I haven't seen a movie with any of these plot points in months. Granted, I need a healthy relationship (maybe that is what it was telling me) plus I need to exercise more, bring my body and mind together again, plus I need to be the beat at what I do...maybe I just figured the whole dream out. I'll contemplate more later. Weird.

I'm getting some service right no, and sporadically throughout the night, can't wait for my service to be back! Plus, 'borrowing' is not a good thing for my soul. Regarding yesterdays blog, when I said 'mundane' reasons, I meant 'reasons I will not pursue a relationship' if they were to change of their own volition, I would reconsider, but I've been me long enough to know what will and won't work. Not to mention, anyone who tries to tell you a long distance relationship will work, is delusional. De-F23King-lusional! I got some good stories coming in the next week or so, once I'm totally settled and my internet connection is up and stable.

Run over and wish Jimmy 'uncle jimmy' Hankins a Happy Birthday! I love you man!

That's IT!

_________________________________________________________
Wednesday, July 18, 2007

SHHHHHHHH!
Current mood: I'm hunting winternet,shhhh!

I'm 'borrowing' internet right now.

I'm moved into the new place, it's crazy to live by myself. I've had roommates for 15 years! Geno was probably the best roommate anyone could have, 7 years we lived together, shared rent/bills, good times and bad. He's like family, it's strange to live alone, not having Geno around is sort of weird too. I've been going to the old house, for no other reason than to stand in the empty living room, most of my life was spent in that house. I can't sleep right now, been up till 3-4 am, then wake up around 6 or 7 am. It's not fun. The new house is awesome, bigger, nicer, and I get my dog back!

I'm weak when it comes to women, I do things I know I shouldn't. What things? I'm easily seduced, I have no strength when it comes to the machinations of women. Poor me huh? Beautiful women are throwing it at me and I'm complaining...Ive said it before, I think I need to turn my penis in for that last statement. Here's the rub, I'm not attracted to most of the women, it's my time I guess, all kinds of women I have no interest are coming at me, meanwhile the women I am attracted to are either not interested or the relationship will not work for some mundane reason or another (different schedules, distance, too old, too young, no car, no job, likes cats, etc.) I feel like there should be someone over my shoulder throwing a big WAHHHHHHHH! out. It's a weird deal, if I go after a woman, no luck, if I sit and do nothing, women come at me, women I don't want. I got half game!

Well, my signal is getting weak, so I better get off now. Possibly see you all tomorrow.

That's IT

_________________________________________________________
Friday, July 13, 2007

Anthony Interrupted
Current mood: no service!

Well, my internet won't be up at my new place till the 26th! Ugh...I will be offline till then, unless I can steal some wireless or a friend lets me use their computer. Until then, hae a great day, week, weekend etc. See you all in 2 weeks.

That's IT till the 26th!

_________________________________________________________
Monday, July 09, 2007

I'm Moving!
Current mood: moving sucks

I'm tryin my best to blog for the next two weeks, but I'm moving, I'm taking a break from packing as we speak.

I finally found a new place, it's temporary, for about 6 months. That's when I plan to start looking for a place to buy. Yeah, I'm gonna finally settle down and buy a home...scary, feel like I'm growing up.

Went to 'Bio mom's' this weekend, shut off the cell phone, sat in the pool and drank beers for 2.5 wonderful days. AND! I got to see my wonderful dog, he misses me, and I miss him. He'll be coming with me to the new place in a few weeks. Yay for us. I've decided I'm gonna start going to 'bio mom's' more often for the weekend or more. I get to see my sisters and I can bring my dog now, he likes it there. It'll be a whole family thing.

Time to finish packing.
That's IT!

_________________________________________________________
Friday, July 06, 2007

Day 6 maybe, who knows.
Current mood: politics polischmicks

Warning, this is a boring political rant!
I'm not a very political person, in fact I try to avoid the news whenever possible, I'm trying to stay as uniformed and ignorant to politics as long as I can, to prolong the bliss. Some things I can't avoid, I'm late on this one, but it has been pissing me off.

Our esteemed President Bush, pardoned Scooter Libby. Just up and pardoned the a$$hole! Spitting in the face of the American people, making a mockery of our justice system and moving forward the assumption that his administration is just a 'good ole' boys club'.

Scooter Libby was only, and I will repeat this ONLY sentenced to 2 years in prison. A pittance for the crimes he committed. He was indicted on 5 felony counts relating to the outing of a covert CIA official, in turn jeopardizing her life and national security. He was found guilty on four of the five counts: one count of obstruction of justice; two counts of perjury; and one count of making false statements to federal investigators, MAKING FALSE STATEMENTS TO FEDERAL INVESTIGATORS! Imagine for a moment you or one of your friends did one of the above mentioned things, how long do you think you would be in prison? Would they get the choice of club med prisons like Libby had? Or would they get real prison, I know what I would get. Raped, that's what.

What gets me is his reason for leaking the information, because he wanted to damage the CIA operatives husbands career. Well played Scooter, well played. The husband is out of serious politics, has lost credibility and his wifes' career is totally shot, in fact most of the work she did to aid our country is probably destroyed at this point. Mission accomplished.

I'm disgusted at President Bush's audacity and misuse of power, I've tried to look past his other indiscretions, his bold face lies to mislead the country into wars, I've tried to support these actions with thoughts of how the future will be, and the inevitability of the wars and actions etc. I've tried to be a good American, I support our troops, WHOLE HEARTEDLY, I only hope that others feel my outrage and decide to take steps to clean up our 2 party political system. The best crook should not be the only choice for office.

Mondays, funny stories, enough of this political nonsense. Next weeks stories are all about hookers and blow! Yay!

That's IT

_________________________________________________________
Thursday, July 05, 2007

Talkin to 'Miss Ghetto Boody'
Current mood: 17 more days to go!

I was talking to 'Miss Ghetto Boody' and she had a life altering story to tell me, one which she felt would change my opinion of her (I have since heard the story, it was traumatic for her, and I feel bad, it did not change my opinion and was not as horrible as I had envisioned. My vision included a Nun, a love child and a three way with a traveling circus Gorilla, never let me use my imagination in these scenarios) once I heard the story. This was my advice to her regarding it.

"I hear what you are saying about people changing their opinion of you after hearing it, I got that problem constantly, I've done some heinous things in my life, made some horrendous decisions, and I used to be afraid of my history, that it would do the same thing, and you know what it does! Not always, but when it does, I'm happy, cause I don't want people in my life who can't accept me for who and what I am. This is who I am, take it or leave it, my past makes me who I am, and I wouldn't change any of it, because one little change, and I wouldn't be where I am today. Here is my philosophy on life. 'Live every day as if it's you last.' Sounds simple huh? Here's where it gets hard, I try to live by this credo, thinking about every aspect of my life, every minute...I ask myself this question repeatedly "If I died in 5 minutes, would I be happy with my last decision?" I struggle with my past, my demons, and my decisions, they give me strength, compassion, levity and patience. If someone can't see that F23K EM!"

I stand by my actions and decisions, good or bad.

My 4th was fun, how was yours? Day 5 is complete!

That's IT!

_________________________________________________________
Wednesday, July 04, 2007

These are my emails, does anybody eva want to just talk?
Current mood: Today rockets like bottles!

____________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Don't be inadequate anymore
From: xewsvamberkfor@svamberk.com
Finally the true stuff – no more trickery!
P.E.P. are tasting hot right this time! This is the real stuff not a fictitious one!
One of the very exceptionals, totally unequalled product is affordable all over the world!
Take a look at just what people tell about this product:
"I like how quickly your product affected on my boyfriend, he can't put an end to his talking on how excited he is having such new calibre, extent, and libido!"

Lusia R., New York
"At first I decided the free sample I acquired was some kind of joke, until I tried P.E.P. I can not describe describe how smug I am with the results I achieved from using this remedy after 3 short months. I'll be asking for P.E.P. on a constant basis!"

Steve Burbon, San Diego
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Really, Like I would respond to this! First off, I'm cool with my junk. Very cool with it. Second, what f23kin email is that? Don't get me started on the grammar. Is this the new sweatshop? Underage, underpaid kids in a sweatshop in Nigeria typing away emails all day?

Happy 4th everyone. Be safe, be loved, and be crazy!

That's IT

_________________________________________________________
Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Day 2- the blog
Current mood: Day 2, is actually Day 3

I have an early day, have to run out and make that money. Todays blog will be later this afternoon. I'm gonna develop these habits.

More later.

I'm back, last night, er' yesterday, I never made it back home, I left at 7:35 and got back sometime around 2am, went to sleep and called it a night. I was with 'london' last night, we went to meet the 'twins' and when we showed up, they introduced us to their respective boyfriend, and husband! F23K! It was a great time, cool people, good drinks and one hell of a Jenga game. What can I say, never trust 'london' to set up the ladies. He never asks thew right questions, such as , do you have a boyfriend? Do you now or have you ever had a penis?

That's IT!

hmm, I'll give some more details later.

_________________________________________________________
Monday, July 02, 2007

Thanks Jean Pierre
Current mood: I got great friends. I do.

To be truly great one must go through terrible times.

He couldn't have said it better.
That's IT.

_________________________________________________________
Monday, July 02, 2007

Browsing Craigs List
Current mood: strap it on baby!

Found this in the women seeking men section. Here is a woman who knows exactly what she wants. I left the address, just in case you might want to reply to her...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BISEXUAL SEEKING BISEXUAL GUY - 26
Reply to: pers-365080538@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-07-02, 11:37AM PDT

I am not really going to say too much about me. I am 26, LA Native, Martial Artist, 5'5 size 7(athletic), attractive, told I look like Betty Page.

You: Bisexual, 26-35, cut, athletic, std-free, white, attractive,etc. NO DRUGS. 420, alcohol and cigarettes okay.

Scenario: I want a guy that I could have oral sex with, no intercourse. I want to fuck you with a strap-on.

Not looking for a threesome with a chick. No couples.

Respond with a photo and short description. I will return a pic. I do want to meet you for drinks before moving onto this to see if there is chemistry.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She's a size 7 and a martial artist, I'm saying she's all muscle, and if for some reason you may want to back out on your end of the deal, she may just be able to persuade you. To each their own.

That's IT! for now.

_________________________________________________________
Monday, July 02, 2007

Day 1
Current mood: Eat, Eat, Eat, Eat, Eat!

Day 1, why Day 1? The reason is simple, they say it takes 22 days to make something a habit. Starting today, I try to accomplish that. I have a few things I want to become habits.
1. Blog every morning
2. Gym every morning
3. Wake up by 6 am every morning
4. Write Comedy every day
5. Perform or practice performing comedy everyday
6. Stop masturbating
7. Live everyday like it's my last

With this in mind, I will begin today as Day 1, tomorrow as Day 2 and so forth. What's new you may ask? Well, I'm struggling and strivin right now. There are many difficulties in my path, and I haven't' been blogging because my blog got me in trouble again. I'm not at the right place in my head to discuss the situation, however, I will explain why I haven't been blogging.

I got scared, yeah, me scared. I wrote some stuff, AGAIN, which got me into trouble. As a matter of fact lately, my writing, comedy and the words coming out of my mouth have succeeded in f23king up quite a few aspects of my life. What has me scared is, what do I do? This is me, I say what's on my mind, I write what I feel and I perform what happens in my life. How do I censor that? Is there a happy medium which I can reach without feeling like I sold out, or caved in? I know I got issues, I say the wrong things, my anger gets out of control, I got no patience right now, I masturbate too much. We all got issues...these are parts of my personality right now. I am in the process (always) of changing some of these things...but to what extent can some of them be changed? What will the changes do to my personality? Can my personality be changed? I'm never gonna stop sayin whats on my mind, I'm always gonna express my life on stage, I'm never gonna quit writing what I feel. I know there is a problem with who I currently am, I just don't know what changes to make to fix them. I resolve to be emotionally honest. To live every day as if it's my last. What more can I say?

CHANGING SUBJECTS, Chris Benoit the WWE wrestler died a few days ago, I would say rest in peace, but the piece of sh!t (who used to be one of my favorites) strangled his wife, smothered his disabled kid to death and took the easy way out by hanging himself. I keep seeing tributes to him by people on the web. ARE YOU F23KING KIDDING ME? Tributes, sure, I can understand, celebrate the man, not his actions, so what if he was injecting his kid with steroids, illegal steroids with no medical recommendation, or that he beat his wife, who cares about those things...he can still be a role model to the millions of people out there trying to succeed in life. Just look past the little indiscretions. I mean, there is always a bright side, right, look how efficiently he murdered his family. Hell, they where dead for 2-3 days before anyone found out. What a guy! Wow, celebrate the man, not his actions. Brilliant! I can understand wanting to kill you wife, who hasn't wanted to dispose of their wife or husband at some point in time, but your kid? I've never been mad enough, disgusted enough or evil enough to even joke about murdering a child. AND keep in mind I HATE CHILDREN! I joke about stranglin' wifes and husbands, don't recommend it, but joke about it. It takes a different kind of animal to even consider hurting a child. To Chris Benoit, I say,
"You where a fantastic wrestler, may you spend eternity fellating Satan's many penis'es."

Onto a lighter subject, have you heard of the Japanese eating champion? Takeru Kobayashi (???) from Nagano, Japan,his nickname is The Tsunami! This guy is 29, 5'7", 165lbs give or take, and he is the worlds greatest competitive eater. A quick list of his records.
He ate this many hot dogs in 12 minutes, 12 freaking minutes!
* 2006: 53¾ hot dogs
* 2005: 49 hot dogs
* 2004: 53½ hot dogs
* 2003: 44½ hot dogs
* 2002: 50½ hot dogs
* 2001: 50 hot dogs
He is a Japanese animal, an anomaly of human appetite. Well, I have sad news, due to his rigorous training regimen, he has developed Jaw Arthritis, who even knew this was a possibility? Currently he is unable to open his mouth more than an inch. Ladies, I don't want to hear this excuse, ever! You know what I'm talking about.

Take a moment and let us not forget this great accomplishment, at the Krystal Hamburger competition,
# 2006, he ate 97 Krystal hamburgers
# 2005, he ate 67 Krystal hamburgers
# 2004, he ate 69 Krystal hamburgers
now here is a man to be celebrated! Pour out some liquor for our fallen hero. Kobayashi!

Tomorrow I will post my review of the Anime Expo, and some great photos of the Cos Players. Plus, I will write a little about Alifie Numeric and the inspiration her blogs give me. Tune in for Day 2.

That's it!

_________________________________________________________
Monday, June 25, 2007

Long Ass Blog
Current mood: been a long time.

I woke up this morning thinking I was a woman, it was scary. Strange huh? Well actually, I was still dreaming, I thought I woke up, and I was a woman. Great way to start a day.

This blog will cover the past few weeks, all of the happenings and blah....

Sh!t heads who email me
To all of you who have sent me messages, thank you. Some of you are very disappointed when I don't blog. I will keep that in mind when I start to slack off again. Here is a lovely unsolicited email I received from and adoring fan. Notice the articulation, the perfect grammar, and well....everything.

******you are the least funny standup act ive seen in a long time. i hope you do well for yourself, i honestly do, but i fing you to be quite grating on my nerves. like "im so sad it funny" or some dumb shit. but realy, i hope you never fall into hole in the earth. Have a good run.******

His profile reads "I'm pretty much a what you see is what you get type of guy." What I see is that your an a$$hole. If I had sent him a request, or email or some other sh!t, I could understand him telling me off, as I did not, he must be a loser. To find me, watch my videos, and then write this. Surprisingly there is no picture of him on his site, go figure. A keyboard warrior maybe? Living in mommy's basement, maybe? Jealous a little, maybe? He does like martial arts, I'll give him some credit there, maybe he's a bad ass too, uh oh. NEXT!

Special K
'Special K' has left the building, it's been a rough season with her. The back story is this, she was into me, I was into her, we tried to date, I was not happy, I stopped being into her, told her as much many, many times, she wouldn't quit trying, I was weak, she was stubborn, and now so much time has passed, that when I laid down the law, it hurt her immensely. I feel terrible, she's miserable, DB3 is not sleeping at all (he is her confidant, strange huh? my best friend is 'special k's' confidant) the whole situation is ugly. I would like to salvage a friendship, I feel like an a$$hole for that last sentence. How many times in my life have I wanted to punch a woman for those exacts words? It gets weirder, she wants to spend time with me to heal...I'm telling her no, because I'm the one who hurt her, how could I possibly help comfort her? To each their own. The last thing I want to do is hurt her more than I already have. This situation has been tearing me up for a looooooong time, I've been very stressed and miserable. To top it off, all of her friends hate me, (they see her doing all of this wonderful stuff for some guy who doesn't appreciate it, of course I don't blame them, however it is awkward when I run into them) then I'm running into comics and agents, bookers, industry types who have heard some story or another, or seen some bits and pieces from her point of view and think I'm a complete a hole, and don't want to work with me. This PISSED me off to no end! By trying to be a nice guy, I got f23ked! The fallout will probably set me back even more, but I had to do something quick and in hopes of a long term fix. AAAAAGGGHHHH! W O M E N!

Uncensored Comedy
As some of you may or may not know, the Uncensored Comedy shows are all canceled, I no longer have a show at the Hollywood Improv. I was hurt, upset, a little confused and ultimately just sad. The uncensored train has made it's last stop. The website is down, the myspace is dead, and